Seeking a State of Acceptance

The journey towards acceptance of a chronic illness is a long one, with shifting goalposts, and an uncertain finish line. It takes strength and persistence to overcome the loss of a life that could have been, and embrace a new one. All of us who have been battling chronic illnesses are full of stories of how we conquer it everyday to find our center of gravity and come to terms with a difficult situation.

In the last few weeks, I have deliberated much on how I have come to accept that a chronic illness invades my body. Yet, in accepting the illness, I have not allowed it consume me, refusing to give in to a “fibromyalgiac” identity. It may be one of my identities, but I am made of so much more that FM cannot extinguish within me! Accepting that dichotomy within me has been key in being able to nurture my health as well as my other interests that make up the rest of me.

To wrap up my Acceptance series of articles, then, today I talk about what helped me achieve a state of acceptance on some consistent basis, and some of the things that helped me embrace my new life with fibromyalgia.

The bridge to a life of color is hidden in the collage of our minds

1. Education: It can be hard to accept a strange, unfamiliar diagnosis as the illness that we suffer from. Therefore once I had a name, a diagnosis, I could look up, I tried to learn as much as possible about my condition. As a scientist, I was already trained in reading primary literature. So I hit the medical journals, and sought out the latest, most definitive research on fibromyalgia, in an effort to know all there is know about the condition. This helped me make sense of the myriad symptoms of fibromyalgia, which in turn informed the problem-solving approach that is central to my definition of acceptance. It also helped me feel less crazy, and like I had more of a ground to stand on against the “doubters.”

2. Writing/Blogging: It is difficult to accept a relatively rare condition when you feel all alone, dealing with it by yourself, surrounded by people who think you should probably just be able to suck it up. The graduate school environment, in particular, promotes stoicism, which is likely to encourage you to deny anything is wrong at all. This, of course, is a recipe for disaster. Through my blog, I have been able to make friends who share similar struggles, whom I can learn from and support in return, and around whom I can allow myself to admit my “true” state of being. Out here in the blogosphere, I do not have to pretend to be OK when I am really not. I have also found writing to be a cathartic experience in itself. It helps me sort my thoughts out, make sense of what is going on in my head, and create a journal of experiences that occasionally helps me see how far I have come. The blog creates a space which encourages me to acknowledge the struggles that come with the illness, and find ways to overcome them – both of which are, again, central to my definition of acceptance.

3. Focusing on something other than myself: Over time, this has taken various forms, such as helping other people, and immersing myself in a process, such as art or science or writing. It makes me feel connected with something bigger than myself (e.g. art, humanity, learning), which then helps me feel like there is a place for me in this world, even with my illness and all. Especially in helping other people, I find I am able to cultivate more compassion, not only towards others but also towards myself. It refocuses attention away from myself, so my own problems do not consume me. Also, it helps me see that many others have similar or worse problems than my own. In recognizing that, I have felt less alone, less self pity, and more self-compassion. Altogether, it has helped me place myself and my problems in perspective, which in turn has aided in accepting the new life that I have been dealt.

4. Meditation: I have had particular success with two types of meditation: (1) Mindfulness; and (2) Visual Imagery. Each in its own way has helped to bring a kind of clarity in my mind, without which it would have been really difficult for me to deal with my condition. Meditation helped me detach from myself at times, focus and break through the pain on others, so that together, they have provided some perspective on my new life and its new issues. It helped me see my problems as tractable ones, and promoted a kind of adaptiveness, that I believe is key to being able to accept any new (and less than welcome) situation.

5. Seeking the many levels of my mind: We all have the capability of living many levels in our heads. We are, in one sense, our thoughts, which are akin to a film playing on a movie screen. In observing our thoughts, we watch this film. And in being able to change our thoughts, we play the part of the one controlling the projector who determines what film to play. Through cultivating mindfulness into my life, I have come to identify with many parts of myself. There is one part of me that is in pain, another who is observing me experiencing the pain, a third who is controlling what I think or feel regarding the pain, so on and so forth. This exercise has been instrumental in me being able to identify myself as being more just than my illness, which was crucial for me to be able to accept my problems without feeling resigned towards them.

In tandem with each other, these five “activities” really helped me come to terms with the battle with a chronic illness. They helped me make sense of what I was feeling physically and emotionally. In being able to see my problems in perspective, and as tractable, manageable issues, I felt I could give myself permission to accept that indeed the problems existed, and that I am not giving up the fight by accepting their existence. Indeed, by acknowledging my chronic condition, and its associated limitations, I am finally opening myself up to finding new ways of overcoming those limitations.

All in all, being able to accept my current life has brought with it a level of internal peace and happiness that was missing from my life before. I know that happiness and acceptance have very personal meanings for each person dealing with their own situation. Even so, I hope that my musings can help somebody, who is struggling and is in search of peace, trigger some thoughts of their on these issues, which helps them find their version of peace they seek.

Love,

Fibronacci

 

MORE IN THE ACCEPTANCE SERIES:

Part I: A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance

Part II: What is “Acceptance”?

Part III: How Acceptance can lead to Happiness

Part IV (A): Seeking a State of Acceptance

Part IV (B): Fighting the Denial of a Chronic Illness

 

READ MORE ON ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS:

On Acceptance and Healing

What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

 

How Acceptance can lead to Happiness

A few weeks ago, I was triggered by an certain events to give some serious thought regarding “acceptance” of a chronic condition as a philosophy. And then of course, I had to wonder: why do we seek acceptance in the first place?

On a practical level, acceptance can mean that we are finally in tune with our bodies, and are working it without overworking it. Thus, we are able to find some sort of a steady state for ourselves, where the ups and downs are not too high or too low. This, of course, is a reason all by itself to accept an unpredictable and often brutal illness like fibromyalgia!

But I feel like the true essence of why we seek acceptance lies in its emotional impact. A state of acceptance promotes a state of happiness.

Chronic illnesses are difficult beasts to deal with. I had previously likened fibromyalgia to being in an abusive relationship, in many ways. It is the invisible partner in my life, who beats me black and blue from time to time, often for no apparent reason. Such chronic conditions can be extremely frustrating to try to build a life around.

When one is in denial of a chronic condition, I feel that is akin to an all-out physical battle between the self and illness. The self wants to make no room for the illness; and the illness retaliates with resentment, and wishes to annihilate the self! On the other end of the spectrum, when one is resigned to the chronic illness, they have given up the fight completely, the enemy is camping out in the self, ravaging it from within. Both states leave the chronic illness sufferer feeling very helpless, as they struggles with losing control over their bodies, and their lives in general. Neither is conducive to seeking happiness with a chronic illness.

Somewhere along that continuum lies acceptance. Here, there is no all-out battle; neither is there a simple surrender. It is more of a quiet, deliberate, game of chess between the self and illness. Each calculates their move carefully; and if played right, the self usually gets the upper hand!

So how can acceptance lead to a state of happiness?

1. By offering PERSPECTIVE. Accepting a chronic illness does not mean being OK with half a glass of water, or even necessarily thinking it is “half full.” In my view, acceptance offers a realist’s perspective, where the glass is both “half full” and “half empty.” The chronic illness may have taken a lot from us, but we still have a lot of us left! Accepting the condition means taking both into account. We may have lost our energetic selves and left counting spoons through the day; but we still have our goals and interests! Being able to keep sight of the fact that we remain “ourselves,” underneath the burden of poor health, helps the happiness quotient!

2. By encouraging a PROBLEM-SOLVING attitude. Once we accept the chronic condition, we begin to acknowledge the associated problems and limitations, and then find practical solutions to them. Instead of the illness itself, the focus now is on overcoming the limitations the chronic condition imposes. This problem-solving attitude puts us back in charge! We can begin to plot how to rebuild our lives around the chronic condition. It is a way of regaining some control over our lives that the chronic illness may have snatched from us. Nobody likes to feel tossed around on the choppy waves like a rudderless boat. The feeling that we still have some power to steer our lives in a satisfactory direction, albeit perhaps towards an alternative to the original one planned, is an important ingredient in the recipe for happiness.

3. By promoting INNER PEACE. A combination of the understanding that the chronic illness does not fundamentally change who we are, and that we can continue to be somewhat in charge of how we work around it, promotes a sense of inner peace. We learn to identify that the chronic illness is a part of us, but that it is only one part of us (out of very many)! Once we have made some level of peace with that, it limits self-doubt that is often triggered by others who doubt us and/or our diagnoses/conditions. It all promotes a level of inner peace that I think is crucial to find a state of happiness, if not the very essence of happiness itself.

Most of my “happiness philosophy” stems purely from my own experiences, both from long-term growth as well as brief moments of revelation, followed by long periods of meditation on my experiences. But it’s interesting to see how much of it aligns with the current research on what makes people happy! Yet “happiness” is a very personal thing, with each person having their own definition of what happiness means to them.

But there is also a higher level unity in human psychology. People from almost any part of the world, belonging to any religion or any culture, generally find happiness when they feel like the universe is their friend, instead of it trying to thwart their every move. They find happiness when they can see themselves, and their trials and tribulations, in perspective, instead of feeling like they are being manipulated by unseen hands. And no matter how one defines what core happiness means to them, cultivating a state of mental peace is crucial regardless. In fact for many, that state of inner peace, itself, is what they might call happiness!

Heartbeat – a digital abstract series focusing on the unity of minds in search of acceptance and happiness

It can be very difficult, however, to not feel like the universe is playing nasty practical jokes on you when you suffer from a chronic illness. And cultivating a state of peace amidst the inner turmoil can be difficult indeed. But accepting that illness may be the first step to emotional healing! As I said in my previous post, however, the road acceptance is not a straight path, and the very state of acceptance is along a continuum, and ever-changing like a dune. But regardless, in looking into ourselves to seek it anyway, we might unlock the secrets of finding our secret source of happiness.

Love,

Fibronacci

 

MORE IN THE ACCEPTANCE SERIES:

Part I: A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance

Part II: What is “Acceptance”?

Part III: How Acceptance can lead to Happiness

Part IV (A): Seeking a State of Acceptance

Part IV (B): Fighting the Denial of a Chronic Illness

 

READ MORE ON ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS:

On Acceptance and Healing

What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

What is “Acceptance”?

“Fibromyalgia is kind of like my logical nature, there’s no point wishing I was different regarding either!” So went my thoughts one day, that landed me in a long reverie about what it meant to me that I had absorbed my diagnosis like so. I had written before about what acceptance meant to me on a practical level. But now I wondered, what does acceptance, as a philosophy, mean to those of us with a chronic illness?

Featured painting: Guided by the Lights (8X10, oil on canvas)

I think of acceptance as lying on a continuum between denial and resignation:

Denial:

In a nutshell: The chronic illness does not tell me who I am or what I can do!
Keynote: Defiance

On one end, there is extreme denial that a chronic illness even exists. Often, this results in massive overexertion, leading to increased pain and fatigue. So one rests, feels better, and starts pushing their body’s limits almost too soon after, landing themselves back in a state of flare. The huge hills-and-valleys in the state of their health takes a toll on the mind. Frustration gives way to a strong sense of grief and loss, even depression. Nothing they do feels like it’s enough. They feel inadequate in their new state, like a shadow of their former self. So they do everything possible to act as if nothing happened, and carry on with their old lives, in order to feel like less of a failure. And the vicious cycle continues, amidst a general state of mental and physical anguish.

Resignation:

In a nutshell: My chronic illness is who I am.
Keynote: Capitulation

On the other end is what I call resignation. This is where one has lost their mojo, they see no point in fighting the illness at all (perhaps after a long fight with it already), frequently in a state of depression. The combination leads to being involved in too little activity, which can slowly result in deconditioning of muscles and joints, making it even harder to move and participate in meaningful activities. One begins to wonder what is the point of even trying, if that only makes the pain and fatigue worse. They often lose any social circle they may have once had, thus feeling more and more isolated. Loss of job- or hobby-related activities can make it feel like their lives lack any meaning, leaving only a shell of their former selves. All hope for any light at the end of the tunnel — or even an end at all! — has withered to ashes. The resulting mental toll pushes them to retreat even further into their shell, thus compounding the vicious cycle.

Acceptance:

In a nutshell: The chronic illness may dictate what I can do, but not what I can be.
Keynote: Determination

Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, I imagine, is acceptance. This is where one recognizes that there is a new kid on the block, namely a chronic illness, that wants to “play” too. The kid can throw a lot of temper-tantrums and really bring them down, but they are stuck with each other. So they may throw a few blows at each other, but ultimately, they know they have to get along — somehow! This is where one makes peace with their body and listens to it carefully, yet they don’t stop fighting the illness invading that body either! Acceptance does not mean that one is necessarily OK with their limitations, but realize that it is to their advantage to acknowledge what they are. And yet, they don’t allow the limitations to define them either! They continue to engage in the activities that lend meaning to their lives, but on different terms than before — on terms their body can reasonably manage. Like a good coach, one pushes the body, without pushing it over the edge!

I don’t mean to imply that these three states are quite as far away from each other as the neat little line diagram might make it seem. It really probably is much more like this:

I imagine acceptance is a point of “happy-medium” that is in a state of dynamic equilibrium. There is a healthy dollop of both rebellion and submission, but they are balanced in just the right proportions so that it evens out. A bit like destructive interference between oppositely-oriented feelings, which each make waves, but together it’s a recipe for being able to find inner peace.

Dealing with a chronic illness is complicated, and there are many shades of grey. One does not move in a clear path when seeking their state of acceptance. It is a convoluted mess of feelings, with a lot of going back and forth, until one finds their own “happy-medium,” where they are most at peace with themselves. And this “happy-medium” may not always be the same either. It could change with age, experience, addition of new symptoms, alleviation of old ones, gains in perspective, changes in support structure, and a host of other factors! And even after finding, readjusting and fine-tuning this point of “happy-medium,” one may not always be at peace! But for many of us with chronic illnesses, it may simply be enough to be able to feel the calm most of the time!

That, at the moment, is my idea of acceptance.

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci

 

MORE IN THE ACCEPTANCE SERIES:

Part I: A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance

Part II: What is “Acceptance”?

Part III: How Acceptance can lead to Happiness

Part IV (A): Seeking a State of Acceptance

Part IV (B): Fighting the Denial of a Chronic Illness

 

READ MORE ON ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS:

On Acceptance and Healing

What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

Weekly Photo Challenge: Earth

There is so much beauty in all the seasons we experience living on our planet. Yet, all too frequently, I find myself complaining about the heat, or the cold, or the rain because of how I flare every time the weather changes. The frustration that the unpredictability of my condition brings results in a narrowing of my consciousness. That, in turn, renders me unable to enjoy the beauty of nature, many a time, because I associated that with pain and/or fatigue.

But even when I am fatigued, the roses still bloom in the summer, and define beauty with their colors! Despite the increased stiffness in the winter, sunshine on the snow still spell magical delight. Spring and fall, with their allergies and migraines, nonetheless bring gorgeous colors befitting a fairy tale to our earthly lands.

The Spirit of the Seasons (collage)

So I often feel selfish for judging the seasonal variations for its impact on me, instead of recognizing it as a beautiful, joyous element in its own right. Instead, I yearn to be free of all “associations” when I observe nature, so I can enjoy true beauty for beauty’s sake!

It is my hope that, one day, my art can help me transcend the trappings of my aching body, and expand my consciousness, such that I can really feel one with the Earth and all that is bigger than ourselves.

The collage of my paintings (Spirit of the Seasons) is an attempt to inch closer to that state of being. I hoped to use colors and textures to really feel each season, to absorb its allure, instead of it being solely a visual depiction of items we associate with a certain time of the year.

It is my way of paying homage to nature – the ultimate artist that paints “Mother Earth”!

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci

Contemplating Authenticity

Recently I was speaking with someone about the root causes of fibromyalgia who used to suffer from the condition in the past and studied it as well. She confided in me that she felt like much of the pain and fatigue developed from not living in alignment with one’s true self.

I have to admit that the idea had crossed my mind before as well. Like some part of me might know that I am headed on a road that is ultimately not who I truly am, even though I may not be consciously aware of it. And it is kicking and screaming, trying to get my attention – through the FM symptoms – to get me off that track. It is forcing me to pause, and do some soul-searching to find what it is that I should be doing that is indeed in alignment with my authentic self.

What better way to ask about “authenticity” than with a digital painting? Abstract Roses in digital oils

Presumably, once one reconciles their actions with their true identity, the symptoms improve. That is what, I got the impression, she believes happened with her. She also cited life stories of several people she studied with FM – many with high-achiever, goal-oriented personalities and fast-paced lifestyles (stories similar to mine) – who switched career tracks as a result of FM and now are doing much better. Plus they are now much happier.

Of course, one might view the data completely “non-spiritually.” You get ill. You realize your current lifestyle is not conducive to your feeling better. So you make the difficult choice of changing it to something that bodes better with your current state of health. And lo and behold, minus the added stress and pushing past the limits, you start to feel better! This is, of course, the very premise of pacing! And who wouldn’t feel happier if they got off the FM roller-coaster?

While I have nothing against the sort-of spiritual way of thinking about the condition, I cannot but feel like it is a bit too close to the “it’s all in your head” dismissal that so many of us have heard so often. I know, though, that it is not how she meant it. She is well aware of the stigma attached with invisible illnesses. But I still bristle at the thought of how there is so much more open room for interpretation and/or conjecture with conditions like FM, which cannot be tracked to a particular cause (yet), than other illnesses with more definitive causes.

Regardless, I can certainly see the merits of her spiritual way of viewing the world. I imagine it goes a longer way towards promoting acceptance and and sustainable changes in lifestyle than a purely medical train of thought. You may feel less indignant, or like you’ve been dealt an unfair hand, if you think that it is your unconscious mind that is using FM to steer you towards the right path. This way, you might resist less in making the changes necessary for your well-being.

But once one is past that stage, I am afraid that there is a lot this worldview alone cannot fix. It is the same issue that I have with positive thinking. Positive thinking in the form of cognitive behavioral therapy can be beneficial in helping one come to terms with their condition and not make their pain worse due to catastrophizing. But beyond that, no amount of positive thinking can cure FM any more than they can cure a tumor. Likewise, I doubt authentic living could necessarily get rid of my flares due to period or bad weather.

However, none of this is to say that we should not try and make the best of the situation and do some soul-searching. Whether or not it can cure FM, chances are that a balanced, fulfilling life can only really be cultivated if it is in alignment with one’s authentic self.

Is it “authentic art” if it only exists in pixel space? Abstract Tulips in Glass Jar (digital oils)

Now more than ever, as I stand at a transition phase, I keep thinking of what kinds of paths would appeal to my true nature. Despite the subject being a recurring motif with me, I have been giving it a lot more thought after developing FM, since I was forced to turn off the auto-pilot and take the gears of life back into my own hands. I do believe that finding and living in accordance with my true self will bring a measure of happiness and inner peace that I often lack now. And if my fibromyalgia improves with it too – well, I’ll just consider that a bonus!

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci