How “Acceptance” can lead to Happiness

A few weeks ago, I was triggered by an certain events to give some serious thought regarding “acceptance” of a chronic condition as a philosophy. And then of course, I had to wonder: why do we seek acceptance in the first place?

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On a practical level, acceptance can mean that we are finally in tune with our bodies, and are working it without overworking it. Thus, we are able to find some sort of a steady state for ourselves, where the ups and downs are not too high or too low. This, of course, is a reason all by itself to accept an unpredictable and often brutal illness like fibromyalgia!

But I feel like the true essence of why we seek acceptance lies in its emotional impact. A state of acceptance promotes a state of happiness.

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Chronic illnesses are difficult beasts to deal with. I had previously likened fibromyalgia to being in an abusive relationship, in many ways. It is the invisible partner in my life, who beats me black and blue from time to time, often for no apparent reason. Such chronic conditions can be extremely frustrating to try to build a life around.

When one is in denial of a chronic condition, I feel that is akin to an all-out physical battle between the self and illness. The self wants to make no room for the illness; and the illness retaliates with resentment, and wishes to annihilate the self! On the other end of the spectrum, when one is resigned to the chronic illness, they have given up the fight completely, the enemy is camping out in the self, ravaging it from within. Both states leave the chronic illness sufferer feeling very helpless, as they struggles with losing control over their bodies, and their lives in general. Neither is conducive to seeking happiness with a chronic illness.

Somewhere along that continuum lies acceptance. Here, there is no all-out battle; neither is there a simple surrender. It is more of a quiet, deliberate, game of chess between the self and illness. Each calculates their move carefully; and if played right, the self usually gets the upper hand!

So how can acceptance lead to a state of happiness?

1. By offering PERSPECTIVE. Accepting a chronic illness does not mean being OK with half a glass of water, or even necessarily thinking it is “half full.” In my view, acceptance offers a realist’s perspective, where the glass is both “half full” and “half empty.” The chronic illness may have taken a lot from us, but we still have a lot of us left! Accepting the condition means taking both into account. We may have lost our energetic selves and left counting spoons through the day; but we still have our goals and interests! Being able to keep sight of the fact that we remain “ourselves,” underneath the burden of poor health, helps the happiness quotient!

2. By encouraging a PROBLEM-SOLVING attitude. Once we accept the chronic condition, we begin to acknowledge the associated problems and limitations, and then find practical solutions to them. Instead of the illness itself, the focus now is on overcoming the limitations the chronic condition imposes. This problem-solving attitude puts us back in charge! We can begin to plot how to rebuild our lives around the chronic condition. It is a way of regaining some control over our lives that the chronic illness may have snatched from us. Nobody likes to feel tossed around on the choppy waves like a rudderless boat. The feeling that we still have some power to steer our lives in a satisfactory direction, albeit perhaps towards an alternative to the original one planned, is an important ingredient in the recipe for happiness.

3. By promoting INNER PEACE. A combination of the understanding that the chronic illness does not fundamentally change who we are, and that we can continue to be somewhat in charge of how we work around it, promotes a sense of inner peace. We learn to identify that the chronic illness is a part of us, but that it is only one part of us (out of very many)! Once we have made some level of peace with that, it limits self-doubt that is often triggered by others who doubt us and/or our diagnoses/conditions. It all promotes a level of inner peace that I think is crucial to find a state of happiness, if not the very essence of happiness itself.

Most of my “happiness philosophy” stems purely from my own experiences, both from long-term growth as well as brief moments of revelation, followed by long periods of meditation on my experiences. But it’s interesting to see how much of it aligns with the current research on what makes people happy! Yet “happiness” is a very personal thing, with each person having their own definition of what happiness means to them.

But there is also a higher level unity in human psychology. People from almost any part of the world, belonging to any religion or any culture, generally find happiness when they feel like the universe is their friend, instead of it trying to thwart their every move. They find happiness when they can see themselves, and their trials and tribulations, in perspective, instead of feeling like they are being manipulated by unseen hands. And no matter how one defines what core happiness means to them, cultivating a state of mental peace is crucial regardless. In fact for many, that state of inner peace, itself, is what they might call happiness!

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Heartbeat – a digital abstract series focusing on the unity of minds in search of acceptance and happiness

It can be very difficult, however, to not feel like the universe is playing nasty practical jokes on you when you suffer from a chronic illness. And cultivating a state of peace amidst the inner turmoil can be difficult indeed. But accepting that illness may be the first step to emotional healing! As I said in my previous post, however, the road acceptance is not a straight path, and the very state of acceptance is along a continuum, and ever-changing like a dune. But regardless, in looking into ourselves to seek it anyway, we might unlock the secrets of finding our secret source of happiness.

Love,

Fibronacci

Reflections on Graduate School, Academia, and the Way Forward

This week, I successfully defended my doctoral dissertation, and added my name to a long list of Ph.D.s in biology – and a shorter list of those with a chronic illness.

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How a fibromyalgiac gets a Ph.D.!

As I have researched the case for disabled and/or chronically ill scientists, I realized that there may actually be more of us out there, all hiding our own plights (if invisible), so as not to be viewed “differently” at best, or ostracized at worst, by our colleagues. Many have quit science altogether because of its notoriously performance-driven culture, which allows little room to show “weakness.” Yet there may be many more of us who are still striving for our own goals in science, wishing to contribute our curiosity and intellect to better the world, and wanting to make a mark independent of our diagnoses. My thoughts are for all of us today.

Featured image: Distorted Reflections (8X10, oil on canvas)

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia halfway through graduate school. I have been tackling random aches and pains, migraines, etc. since my teen years, but sometimes I wonder if the grad school lifestyle is what triggered any latent tendencies for central sensitization, leading to fibromyalgia.

I have no regrets, however. I always thought that if mathematics and physics are what helps us understand the universe and everything in it, biology is what helps us understand why we can even think about it! So to be able to reach a terminal degree in biology, understand ourselves from a molecular standpoint, showed me that I am capable of not just partaking in this world, but also contributing to it. Here, finally, I could apply my logical and analytical thinking towards human health, instead of just using it to aggravate my parents who had no time to argue.

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What NOT to say to a chronically ill person

I will admit that at times I thought of quitting, and I am glad that I did not. I was lucky enough to have projects that allowed me to be very prolific through the first couple of years, so I was well on my way towards a successful Ph.D. before FM even hit me. It would have been sad to see that work not reach fruition. I was also able to wrack up enough “karma points” by then, through my diligence and good reputation, that I could afford to slow down but still keep trudging. Luckily, graduate school in an academic institution affords the kind of flexibility that I may never experience in any other setting. So all the reasons to quit were psychological, nothing logistical.

Psychology can be powerful enough to transform us and shape our decisions. With some practice, and within reason, we can learn retrain our brains to think of current obstacles as future achievements. The hardest part about continuing grad school was not that I felt I couldn’t do the work. It was, instead, the loss of respect I felt at every turn when I could not keep up my former hours, or work at the same speed – the perception that I was now somehow weak or less than I was before. A large part of this was not necessarily just other people, but also “academic conditioning” that was haunting me from within my subconscious. But regardless of this general no-room-for-weakness atmosphere, or perhaps precisely because of it, I learned to see myself as quite the opposite of how they would have liked to paint me.

I realized that, because of my experiences, I was stronger and more than I was before!

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Anima (8X10, oil on canvas) — my internal warrior & heroine!

One thing I recognized since being more selectively open about my diagnosis is that everyone is fighting their own battles. But one is not made a hero for just fighting, or even winning, a battle. One is made a hero for how they fight it. I decided I was going to fight mine, and fight mine well. I felt increasingly that it was not enough, any longer, to just try to be a good graduate student, or strive for women scientists, or be a feminist voice for career-women in the conventional sense. I had to find within me to be more than that.

I decided that I will strive to be a better person because of my struggles, internally as well as externally. 

I will learn to be more compassionate (towards myself, as well as others who may not always be understanding of my condition); I will try to reengage in interests I may have lost touch with (so I am not beholden to the one deity, science); and I will be even more introspective than I was before, learn more about myself, so I can carve out a new identity for myself as I move forward.

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Drawn into the Light (7X14, oil on canvas)

Once upon a time, I used to be naive enough to think you can get whatever you want, be whatever you want, as long as you work hard enough for it. But life makes too many decisions for you, and often at very critical stages, so that is not always possible. Once upon a time, I had dreams of being able to follow my intellectual curiosity wherever it took me. The reality, however, is that if I did that, I would be potentially looking at 60-hour work weeks with little time for rest. I would be a flaring mess of pain and fatigue if I followed that route!

But it is not impossible to reimagine ourselves, our interests, our desires, and channel them into another path. The last two years of my life, trudging through grad school with FM, I have spent a lot of time focused inward. I have questioned what I like and why I like it, and how I can do it differently in a way that is conducive to a healthier lifestyle. I have also had to untrain my brain from thinking my intellectual pursuits are automatically married to academia. Once I did that, I could see the different possibilities that may still be out there for me.

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Reimagine the possibilities!

So by no means is this the end of the road for me. I like to think of it as a fresh beginning. I have gained insights through my years as a graduate student with a chronic illness that I could not have gained otherwise. It formed a preface to my life’s goal, which is learning how to merge my health needs with my intellectual ones without completely giving up my ambitions. The next years will write the chapters on how (and if) I am successful in ever attaining it.

I look forward in continuing my journey forward, and sharing any insights with you. Thank you for accompanying me so far in this roller-coaster ride that led to my Ph.D.!

Love,

Fibronacci

Weekly Photo Challenge: Earth

There is so much beauty in all the seasons we experience living on our planet. Yet, all too frequently, I find myself complaining about the heat, or the cold, or the rain because of how I flare every time the weather changes. The frustration that the unpredictability of my condition brings results in a narrowing of my consciousness. That, in turn, renders me unable to enjoy the beauty of nature, many a time, because I associated that with pain and/or fatigue.

But even when I am fatigued, the roses still bloom in the summer, and define beauty with their colors! Despite the increased stiffness in the winter, sunshine on the snow still spell magical delight. Spring and fall, with their allergies and migraines, nonetheless bring gorgeous colors befitting a fairy tale to our earthly lands.

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The Spirit of the Seasons (collage)

So I often feel selfish for judging the seasonal variations for its impact on me, instead of recognizing it as a beautiful, joyous element in its own right. Instead, I yearn to be free of all “associations” when I observe nature, so I can enjoy true beauty for beauty’s sake!

It is my hope that, one day, my art can help me transcend the trappings of my aching body, and expand my consciousness, such that I can really feel one with the Earth and all that is bigger than ourselves.

The collage of my paintings (Spirit of the Seasons) is an attempt to inch closer to that state of being. I hoped to use colors and textures to really feel each season, to absorb its allure, instead of it being solely a visual depiction of items we associate with a certain time of the year.

It is my way of paying homage to nature – the ultimate artist that paints “Mother Earth”!

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci

The Joy of Painting

I haven’t talked much about painting or the painting process in this blog, but it has been one of the most important ways I have been able to handle my fibromyalgia diagnosis. There is so much more to painting than what meets the eye. It is not just mixing paints and adding color. As I discovered one day – much to my own surprise – painting is a state of being!

Painting allows me to depict my world and my experiences the way I see it. It gives me the freedom to explore my frame of mind. It is a safe space where I can unleash my pain, sorrow, frustration, anger, confusion, joy and creativity. In the security of the studio, surrounded by the paints and brushes, I have the power to create a physical embodiment of my emotions. Then in choosing to share that piece of my inner world, I allow others to feel a portion of my feelings. It gives me freedom and power to accept, to portray, to share, and with only as much depth and complexity as I would like.

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Spring Snow (8X10, oil on canvas)

What does the painting of the dense woods on a snowy day make you think/feel?

With an illness like fibromyalgia, which has often left me feeling alone and misunderstood, painting has opened up a safe avenue for a dialogue with the world. An emotional painting forces engagement with the viewer. A desperately private person, I feel uneasy opening up my own mind, heart and soul. So my paintings have been a window into my world! I prefer this mode of conversation, in many ways, because I do not have to explain my situation to anyone. An emotional painting does not necessarily force the audience into the artist’s mind. It makes them look into their own, through the prism of their own experiences, and find within them the emotions that the painting embodies or evokes.

I have found security in being able to paint, both as a way of exploration as well as expression. And in a surprising way, that has really helped me deal with the many aspects of my chronic condition.

Love,

Fibronacci

If I Had One Wish . . .

. . . I would wish for perspective. It is so hard to gain and so easy to lose, especially in difficult times.

Over the course of the past year, I had been able to slowly piece back together some of the shreds of my old hopes and dreams – only to feel like they are now being shattered all over again. And the only thing that feels worse than losing your life, is thinking you have it back and then losing it again.

Featured image: Contemplating the Darkness (12X16, oil on canvas)

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What do you think he is wishing for?

I don’t think I had ever quite fully appreciated how much my FM symptoms had improved over the last year or so. With medication, reduced work load, regular exercises and prioritizing rest, I was able to attain some level of normalcy. It was a new normal, but it was a normal. And for the most part, I was feeling better.

In some ways, I was really thinking that I had this thing under control . . . that I was ready to move on to a full-time research intensive job – something that had seemed unthinkable to me just a couple of years back. I knew I could not stay in that high-stress environment forever, but thought I could manage the less-than-ideal position as a temporary stepping stone to something better. I was finally starting to plan for my future again.

But as the work load quickly ramped up this semester, in preparation for graduation, all hell quickly broke loose. What started as a mild flare is now feeling like a full-blown relapse. The bad weather spell we seem to be in is not helping either. And yes it has been stressful. But if it is just the weather or the stress, I am reacting to them far worse than I have in a while.

The pain levels have risen sharply, becoming more widespread, and staying that way most days even with pain medication. The stabbing pains in my chest, diaphragm and back have made breathing a laborious affair. Talking can take much effort, and sneezing, hiccuping or coughing is making me cry out in pain. The fatigue can feel bone-crushing in itself at times. But sleep is a precious commodity that is not easy to come by under severe discomfort (especially when you’re a side-sleeper and the nerve pain is raging on that side!) – thus perpetuating a vicious cycle.

I can already feel my mental state suffer, despite my efforts to stay calm and carry on. Despite a conscious effort to be friendly and social, I am feeling more moody, less patient, and snapping more easily than I would like. I am genuinely afraid that I am more or less back to square one in my fibro journey. And that it is all my fault for pushing my body too far, as soon as I started feeling a little better.

I feel like I had lulled myself into a false sense of security when I was beginning to hope again. But I am realizing quite acutely that the lifestyle I would need to maintain to continue feeling better is not one conducive to the life of a scientist! Very few grad students, and barely any postdocs, can get away with coming to work around 10-11 AM, working barely 6-8 hours a day, and taking large chunks of time off in the middle of the day for PT/rest. Most work 60-80 hours a week. I am entering a relapse after a couple of months of not even 50!

This was an important lesson for me. I learned that I cannot slow down, feel better, and decide now I can pick up the pace again and all will be well. Fibromyalgia requires a lifelong management scheme. And while I had made some level of peace with that, I was just not prepared for the violence with which my body would react to the idea of temporarily deviating from that plan.

In a weird way, when I was working those ~50h/wk for the month or two, I felt a vague sense of accomplishment. I was trying my best to still squeeze in some rest, and trying to only start work during my “best hours.” So I felt a renewed power, a sense of vigor, from feeling like I may have beat my condition and risen on top of it. I was able to snatch back from it some fragments of my go-getter self that I hated losing the most. But alas, that was not to be. And that feeling of loss for a second time feels like a slap in the face. Like I have been put back in my place.

At a time like this, I keep reminding myself that this current low is not going to be forever. I can still plan for other things in my life. I have changed plans before and I can change them again. There is a lot of things I can do, and this one setback is not the end of the world. This closed door may even open new windows. In other words, I am striving to remind myself to not lose perspective. Yet, that is the one thing that is gained with so much difficulty . . . and yet lost so easily!

Love,

Fibronacci

Sparring with my Shadow Selves

I have always been attracted to Jung’s idea of “shadow” selves. They are pieces of you, your personality, which are hidden in your subconscious. Often explored only in dreams or meditative states, one of the primary goals in life (according to Jung) is to acknowledge and “merge” with your shadows to complete you.

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Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Over the last several years, I have consciously been journeying towards better self-awareness. I have been able to bring to light many demons which previously only lurked in the shadows (though I am sure there continue to be more aspects of me which are hidden deep within somewhere). One obvious outcome of my journey so far is my conscious awareness of the many personalities that all spar amongst themselves to have primary control of my brain.

Since they’re not really in the “shadow” anymore, but not quite “merged” with what I call me either, I’ll call them alternate selves.

Right now, my two dominant alternate selves are (#1) the one who pushes me on to complete the last leg of my Ph.D. and find a job to move on to, and (#2) the one who implores me to slow down and just take a break.

I’d say #1 is usually more often in control than #2, because I identify with its viewpoint as the more rational one. The last semester is expected to be busy and a bit of a whirlwind. I’ve just gotta buckle up for the ride and stick it through, and deal with the consequences later. Self #2 kicks in on the not-so-good days and reminds me what those consequences feel like, why I need to slow down a bit, delay graduation if I need to. Self #1 tells me that is hardly an option now – the balls have already started to roll for an August graduation. Self #2 points out that yes, but it is not 100% official yet! Self #1 is driving me to find jobs, because I still want a career (though maybe not the one I had originally planned on). Self #2 is asking that I give myself a little rest break in between, it will do my body good. Self #1, however, retaliates with the knowledge that if I get too cozy feeling “good,” I will probably never want to go back for a postdoc training, and it will be that much the harder for me to go back to doing any kind of a (semi-)structured job. Of course, self #2 wonders what’s the point of doing anything at all if you’re going to be miserable while engaged in it!

My current compromise is to yield to self #1 in that yes, that graduation in August is probably happening. That means I will have to push through this semester to have the current project completed and submitted for publication within the next couple of months. But, I give in to self #2 in that I will cut myself some slack on how I handle the actual dissertation and not kill myself over it. I have to concur with self #1 that if I take a break now, I will probably never want to return to working the type of jobs I take pride in now. Any physical benefits I reap from the extra rest will probably be nullified by the mental strain I will most definitely be in as I lie around moping over wasting my life and intellect and education. Still, I made a pact with self #2 that if I do not get a job that I feel good about, I will take a break and start searching again next semester instead of just compromising for any ole thing that pays the bills. I am fortunate in that my husband can support me financially for a little while if it comes to that. So despite the financial strain that it will inevitably be, I will keep that as a viable fall-back option.

For now, my refereeing has silenced my two selves into some kind of truce. But I do not see this lasting long. As I take another turn on this roller-coaster ride, I know they will start to bicker again. And there is little I foresee in the immediate future that will contend them both. I guess I’ll just wait in the shadows until quieter times!

Love,

Fibronacci

Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitude

My husband and I both value our solitude immensely. Being amongst the hustle-and-bustle of the city for too long causes us considerable anxiety. This is more so true of my husband, who would be a monk or a hermit if he could! As for me, I am something of an “empath” and an “HSP – highly sensitive person“. Thoughts, emotions and auras of places and people can affect me deeply. There is also some discussion about at least some HSPs being more sensitive to pain. Hence, finding a way to balance our need for inner peace (which, in turn, can affect FM severity) with being able to practically function in the world is crucial for us. One of the ways we do that is by “turning off” once in a while, and getting away from people and their vibes.

So for the photo challenge this week, I thought I’d share pictures of one of the places around town where we often go for some peace and solitude.

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Ironically, these photos are actually taken around a lake that is very close to my husband’s place of work.

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It’s called the Capitol Lake, because it is right by the State Capitol – smack in the heart of the seat of the state government!

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And precisely for that reason, it is almost completely empty on the weekends. After all, who wants to hang around work and a bunch of government buildings on their days off?

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Of course, that clears the way for my husband and me to enjoy many a quiet day in these beautiful surroundings, and regain our sense of internal balance!

Love,

Fibronacci