The worst part of a seemingly never-ending flare is that it starts feeling like a new sub-normal. You almost forget what it’s like to feel halfway decent, but remember just enough to make you doubly miserable about your new low. It is during those times that all I wish for is a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. If I only knew that the light existed, that the tunnel had an end, the darkness would be so much more bearable!
Luckily, I was able to get just such a glimpse recently.
For the second time this summer, I went up on my medication to combat the high pain and fatigue levels. Hopes were low this would help. But lo and behold, I noticed a definite improvement in my fatigue levels and less pain/stiffness overall! I was also waking up more days feeling a bit more refreshed than I was before.
That was relieving, but it all really came to a head last weekend. Last Saturday, to my own surprise, I was able to drive out to a luncheon with a friend, do some grocery shopping and drive us back; and then be able to sweep one room in the house and paint the Sunday after!!
I realize this may not sound like much to a “normal” person, but this was more activity than what I could spend my weekends doing in over a month! I used to be so completely worn out from the work-week, that all I could do over the weekend was stay collapsed and try to recharge for the coming week. Besides, grocery shopping and housework are some of the most flare-inducing activities for me, given the repeated bending/stooping they require. So being able to do all of those things in one weekend – hell, I almost felt normal normal again!
The best part of this was the magical effect it had on my mood! I knew that kind of a high cannot last (and it didn’t – last couple of days have been pretty low again), but even in the current return of the darkness, I do not feel nearly as hopeless as I was before. I was able to catch a little break, a small breather, in the middle of getting my ass kicked by fibromyalgia. And now I feel like I have returned from the edge of doom. I have a renewed sense of vigor to fight this brute, and not feel like I am sinking into oblivion.
I know now that the light exists at the end of the tunnel. Though I may never see it for long, it casts enough of a glow so that the tunnel is now dimly lit. And that is enough for me for the moment.