Blogmas 2017 Christmas Tag

Many, many thanks to Lavender and Levity for tagging me on the Christmas tag this year. My apologies for not being able to get to it on time, but hey, better late than never, right?

What is your favorite Christmas movie?

• There’s too many, but I am particularly fond of the humor in A Christmas Story, and the sentiment behind A Wonderful Life. Charlie Brown Christmas gets a special mention because I often feel like CB on days when you’re expected to be merry.

Do you like to stay in Pajamas or Dress Up for Christmas day?

• I’m practically always in pajamas unless I have to go out. Then I wear something suitable for wherever I am going. Christmas day is no different.

If you could only buy one person a present this year who would it be and why?

• I would buy our family the gift of health. The witches better get brewing!

This is perhaps also a good time to explain why my blog has been so neglected past few weeks. My husband ruptured a tendon in his knee a couple of weeks ago, and is now looking forward to at least another month of immobilization in bed. Since he is unable to do anything that requires any mobility (which is just about everything when you come to think of it), I have been taking care of him, our home, as well as the new job. This is quite a role reversal for us – our personal “upside down.” Needless to say, this has not left me feeling the best, but more on this episode later. The point of the story here was to illustrate how we could both use a bit of Link’s magic health potion right about now!

Do you open your present Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?

• Christmas morning.

Have you ever built a ginger bread house?

• No, but I’ve built a Halloween cookie house! From a kit. Still counts?

What are you most looking forward to this Christmas season?

• Hmm, I was looking forward to a holiday with friends in New Jersey, but we had to cancel that following my husband’s accident. Now I am most looking forward to him getting better!

Any Christmas wishes?

• I wish people could take a quiet moment and look inward this Christmas. Self-reflection and finding peace within oneself is so important. I am with the Dalai Lama in that there can be no lasting peace on Earth until people find peace within themselves.

Favorite Christmas smell?

• Cinnamon and chocolate, or dark chocolate and peppermint. (That they are also popular coffee flavors has never escaped me.)

Favorite Christmas meal or treat?

• Ferrero Rocher

How do you traditionally spend your Christmas day?

• Very little is done “traditionally” over Christmas in recent years because I am never in the same place. I often visit my parents in India during the winter. If I’m there, we repeat a childhood tradition of visiting the nuns at my old grade school (it’s a Catholic school attached to a convent), and bring them presents. There’s a Christmas party we attend at a country club, and receive Christian friends who share delicious fruit cakes with us. If I’m with my husband, we are sometimes traveling on Christmas day, or visiting his parents, sharing some food and exchanging presents. Oh, and simply relaxing watching Christmas movies! Rudolph, Frosty, Christmas Story, Scrooge(s), Polar Express…

Do you open stockings first or presents?

• As a child, I used to open stockings first because they were closest to the bed. Now I don’t put any stockings up so there’s no competition.

When do you put up your tree?

• As soon after Thanksgiving as possible!

Festivities (digital)

Least favorite part of Christmas?

• Probably how much a day like that comes loaded with behavioral expectations. That scares me because I’m not sure if my mask is bleeding and my anxiety is showing through.

Any unusual traditions during your Christmas?

• My husband and I enjoy driving around some of the neighborhoods that do pretty lights and decorations over Christmas and looking at peoples’ houses and yards. We do this for Halloween too, and most often they are the same neighborhoods.

Favorite childhood Christmas memory?

• When I was seven or eight, we were traveling one Christmas Eve by bus, and I was understanding of the fact that there was no way I could get presents that night. Nonetheless, my mother made me hang a stocking which I thought would be pointless. I didn’t really ever believe in Santa, and I knew my parents didn’t have time to buy gifts. But lo and behold! On Christmas morning, I found some ornaments in that stocking!! I was flabbergasted!! I couldn’t get it out of mom how she did it! She kept insisting it was Santa! I figured it out eventually, but for a while that day, I remember wondering if perhaps there truly was Santa!

Would you like to participate?

I am afraid it is a little too late to tag anyone, since this is supposed to be something done by Christmas 2017. But if you see this post, and you think it’s fun, please consider yourself tagged! All you have to do is answer the same questions as I did above. Please leave a link back to my post, so I know about it because I would love to read your responses. And tag your post with #ChristmasCheer on Twitter so we can find each other!

From the questions above, nothing seems Christmas-specific. It could be used for any holiday. So if you like, pick your favorite holiday or the one that means the most to you, and answer the same questions about that day!

Ladies of the Light (digital)

I sincerely wish that the end of the year brings all my friends much happiness and loads of spoons!

Love,

Fibronacci

 

How Acceptance can lead to Happiness

A few weeks ago, I was triggered by an certain events to give some serious thought regarding “acceptance” of a chronic condition as a philosophy. And then of course, I had to wonder: why do we seek acceptance in the first place?

On a practical level, acceptance can mean that we are finally in tune with our bodies, and are working it without overworking it. Thus, we are able to find some sort of a steady state for ourselves, where the ups and downs are not too high or too low. This, of course, is a reason all by itself to accept an unpredictable and often brutal illness like fibromyalgia!

But I feel like the true essence of why we seek acceptance lies in its emotional impact. A state of acceptance promotes a state of happiness.

Chronic illnesses are difficult beasts to deal with. I had previously likened fibromyalgia to being in an abusive relationship, in many ways. It is the invisible partner in my life, who beats me black and blue from time to time, often for no apparent reason. Such chronic conditions can be extremely frustrating to try to build a life around.

When one is in denial of a chronic condition, I feel that is akin to an all-out physical battle between the self and illness. The self wants to make no room for the illness; and the illness retaliates with resentment, and wishes to annihilate the self! On the other end of the spectrum, when one is resigned to the chronic illness, they have given up the fight completely, the enemy is camping out in the self, ravaging it from within. Both states leave the chronic illness sufferer feeling very helpless, as they struggles with losing control over their bodies, and their lives in general. Neither is conducive to seeking happiness with a chronic illness.

Somewhere along that continuum lies acceptance. Here, there is no all-out battle; neither is there a simple surrender. It is more of a quiet, deliberate, game of chess between the self and illness. Each calculates their move carefully; and if played right, the self usually gets the upper hand!

So how can acceptance lead to a state of happiness?

1. By offering PERSPECTIVE. Accepting a chronic illness does not mean being OK with half a glass of water, or even necessarily thinking it is “half full.” In my view, acceptance offers a realist’s perspective, where the glass is both “half full” and “half empty.” The chronic illness may have taken a lot from us, but we still have a lot of us left! Accepting the condition means taking both into account. We may have lost our energetic selves and left counting spoons through the day; but we still have our goals and interests! Being able to keep sight of the fact that we remain “ourselves,” underneath the burden of poor health, helps the happiness quotient!

2. By encouraging a PROBLEM-SOLVING attitude. Once we accept the chronic condition, we begin to acknowledge the associated problems and limitations, and then find practical solutions to them. Instead of the illness itself, the focus now is on overcoming the limitations the chronic condition imposes. This problem-solving attitude puts us back in charge! We can begin to plot how to rebuild our lives around the chronic condition. It is a way of regaining some control over our lives that the chronic illness may have snatched from us. Nobody likes to feel tossed around on the choppy waves like a rudderless boat. The feeling that we still have some power to steer our lives in a satisfactory direction, albeit perhaps towards an alternative to the original one planned, is an important ingredient in the recipe for happiness.

3. By promoting INNER PEACE. A combination of the understanding that the chronic illness does not fundamentally change who we are, and that we can continue to be somewhat in charge of how we work around it, promotes a sense of inner peace. We learn to identify that the chronic illness is a part of us, but that it is only one part of us (out of very many)! Once we have made some level of peace with that, it limits self-doubt that is often triggered by others who doubt us and/or our diagnoses/conditions. It all promotes a level of inner peace that I think is crucial to find a state of happiness, if not the very essence of happiness itself.

Most of my “happiness philosophy” stems purely from my own experiences, both from long-term growth as well as brief moments of revelation, followed by long periods of meditation on my experiences. But it’s interesting to see how much of it aligns with the current research on what makes people happy! Yet “happiness” is a very personal thing, with each person having their own definition of what happiness means to them.

But there is also a higher level unity in human psychology. People from almost any part of the world, belonging to any religion or any culture, generally find happiness when they feel like the universe is their friend, instead of it trying to thwart their every move. They find happiness when they can see themselves, and their trials and tribulations, in perspective, instead of feeling like they are being manipulated by unseen hands. And no matter how one defines what core happiness means to them, cultivating a state of mental peace is crucial regardless. In fact for many, that state of inner peace, itself, is what they might call happiness!

Heartbeat – a digital abstract series focusing on the unity of minds in search of acceptance and happiness

It can be very difficult, however, to not feel like the universe is playing nasty practical jokes on you when you suffer from a chronic illness. And cultivating a state of peace amidst the inner turmoil can be difficult indeed. But accepting that illness may be the first step to emotional healing! As I said in my previous post, however, the road acceptance is not a straight path, and the very state of acceptance is along a continuum, and ever-changing like a dune. But regardless, in looking into ourselves to seek it anyway, we might unlock the secrets of finding our secret source of happiness.

Love,

Fibronacci

 

MORE IN THE ACCEPTANCE SERIES:

Part I: A Lesson in Perspective and Acceptance

Part II: What is “Acceptance”?

Part III: How Acceptance can lead to Happiness

Part IV (A): Seeking a State of Acceptance

Part IV (B): Fighting the Denial of a Chronic Illness

 

READ MORE ON ACCEPTANCE AND HAPPINESS:

On Acceptance and Healing

What does it mean to be chronically ill and happy?

Tough Realizations (Part II)

After a recent particularly bad flare, I had to make a difficult decision to walk away from a field in which I realized I was not welcome at anymore. If I stayed, I would constantly be forced to push myself beyond what I was physically capable of, and would still not be able to meet expectations. So you would think the separation would be mutual and amicable; yet it is not.

In many ways, I feel like I am still very tied to my work identity (although it’s been a work in progress detangling myself from it). Being a “scientist” is one of the major ways I identify myself. Every other descriptor I could think of – artist, woman, chronic illness fighter, etc. – are all farther down the list. When I think of descriptors of myself, “relationship phrases” don’t show up very high either. Many people identify themselves strongly as a parent (father/mother) or child (son/daughter) or spouse (husband/wife), or in other such relationship terms. I have trouble with that. I have always been a painfully independent person, almost to the point of being a loner. And I suspect it is the associated loss of both personal and financial independence, that comes with being ill and out of work, that is at the core of why it has been so hard for me to face the fact that I just need to take a break to focus on my health for a while.

I am tired of pretending I am stronger than I am . . . so why can I not STOP?

The loss of personal freedom has been something I have been constantly struggling with since developing fibromyalgia. While I can be great at offering and providing help, I absolutely suck at seeking and accepting it! It took me a while to even recognize that I had my partner in my court, and that its OK to lean on him and allow him to help me. It made a world of difference once I let myself be helped with my day to day tasks! And for once, I felt comfortable enough being helped that I never realized how hard it would be physically to live without that help!

Living in a small town, my chances of getting a job here were pretty minuscule, especially in science. For many years, I kind of saw this as a boon because I hated being trapped in one place for too long, and this place seemed to come with its own time limit. But now that it was time for me to move on and take a job in a different part of the country, I had to seriously consider how I would manage a demanding full-time job with other issues like uncertain transportation (potentially a lot of walking), cleaning, cooking, laundry, bathing/hair washing, and a myriad other day to day things that I often need help with. All of the little things that didn’t even merit a thought in my brain at one time are now all serious issues that have the potential to wipe me out and flatten me on my back for days.

Accepting help is its own kind of strength

I realized that for the first time, I actually need my husband to be with me, physically, and help me out! Not to mention, I would also need him financially, if I were jobless, and not just to provide general subsistence (a shared need), but also for my healthcare needs (a very personal one). And I have never needed anyone in that way before. As a person who prizes her independence, that realization – that I might really need someone now – was one of the toughest I have ever had to come face to face with.

My husband knows how hard that is for me. In fact, he has always known it. That is why he has never made big deal of helping me – he just did it quietly and unassumingly – and made a point of doing so without treating me like an invalid. I feel like very few people are lucky to have that kind of love in their lives. And that is why – perhaps what has been even tougher for me to face – is that even that kind of selfless love does not make up for the sense of loss that I feel due to my illness.

This realization has been really hard for me because it is almost like admitting his love is not enough, despite everything he does for me all the time. And it makes me feel guilty, because he has been the only constant force through many of the things that I have been battling for many years. Yet it is not as if I am not grateful to him and for him. But it is the gratitude that one might feel for nurses when interned at a hospital. It’s great to have that tender loving care, but they would much rather never be in the hospital in the first place!

It is through the snow that spring bursts through!

Though, in some ways I wish I never had to face these harsh realizations, in other ways I am grateful for them. It has given me a chance to really think about why my work identity matters so much to me. Why am I so loathed to accept help? Why do I feel this insane need for independence? It has given me an opportunity to delve deeper into myself and work on long-standing issues that I may never have otherwise. So as a person who craves new and varied experiences, as unpleasant as this one is, I still see it as an adventure! I am still expecting good things to come out of this time of uncertain and difficult realizations. I may be a ship in a bottle for now, but that doesn’t stop me from still looking out towards the sea.

Love,

Fibronacci

Tough Realizations (Part I)

What felt like a whirlpool inside a sinkhole around this time last week, is finally looking like just a simple crater (minus the suction) now. For the past month or so, I have not been able to fully shake off a flare. With fewer hours spent at work or recreation, and more resting on my heating blanket in bed, I feel like I am starting to get this down to somewhat manageable levels. My doctor and I are also working on new medication to see if that can help with the daily pain and fatigue management. The upshot of all of this has been a lot of soul-searching, a healthy helping of frustration and some unavoidable, tough realizations about the way forward.

“Pushing Through” – crocus flowers pushing through the snow in spring (digital, “oil on canvas” finish)

Until last year, I had some hopes of being able to graduate and move on to an academic postdoctoral training job. I had the condition enough under control to be a reasonable (though less-than-ideal) postdoc for few years to gain the training I would need to eventually move on to a more cushy, permanent job. But I rapidly realized that those dreams were castles built in air, for two reasons:

(1) My body decided even coming close to that kind of workload is a no-go.

(2) “Reasonable” postdoc jobs are practically impossible to find. The boss wants a publication-machine, not a person with a life. Add a chronic illness to that? Unthinkable!

Which brings me to the tough realization – that unless a fairy-godmother steps out of a pumpkin for me, I am probably going to have to take a real break after graduating and be out of “real” work; or (what feels like a complete non-option), take on a postdoc job that might be the (figurative) death of me.

In case you were wondering what I mean by “real” work, you are in good company. I have been giving that a lot of thought lately too, and may be topic for a future post in itself.

I feel like some part of me knew all along that it would come to this, but I needed the latest flare to remind me to quit kidding around. I spent the entire last year coming up with every reason for why I cannot be out of a job – everything ranging from financial, to emotional, to career potential and innate ambition. But all of that has come to nothing. I realized that the time is here and now for my husband and I to start revising our budget to account for the absence of my paycheck. And I am not looking forward to the pain that changing health insurance plans will inevitably be!

What I do know for sure is that it would be utter stupidity now to ignore the gut-punch that my body has just dealt me. (Talk about tough love!) And that I need to prioritize my health in a very real way – not in the kind of tangential way I had been doing before. I know things are going to be financially tight for a while, but I am hoping that taking a temporary break will help me get back to a different kind of work later on. Otherwise, I am afraid I might crash for good at some point in the (probably not-too-distant) future and never be able to work at all, and then finances will be tight forever!

For now, I am trying to focus on pushing through one day at a time. I try to keep my chin up that this might be the beginning of a new trajectory that might lead on to a fruitful new journey. I am not one who believes in regrets. I believe that every path we choose at a fork leads us down a different probability. And each of those probabilities will have its own ups and downs, and none will be perfect. So take your pick and let life lead you on!

Love,

Fibronacci

Contemplating Authenticity

Recently I was speaking with someone about the root causes of fibromyalgia who used to suffer from the condition in the past and studied it as well. She confided in me that she felt like much of the pain and fatigue developed from not living in alignment with one’s true self.

I have to admit that the idea had crossed my mind before as well. Like some part of me might know that I am headed on a road that is ultimately not who I truly am, even though I may not be consciously aware of it. And it is kicking and screaming, trying to get my attention – through the FM symptoms – to get me off that track. It is forcing me to pause, and do some soul-searching to find what it is that I should be doing that is indeed in alignment with my authentic self.

What better way to ask about “authenticity” than with a digital painting? Abstract Roses in digital oils

Presumably, once one reconciles their actions with their true identity, the symptoms improve. That is what, I got the impression, she believes happened with her. She also cited life stories of several people she studied with FM – many with high-achiever, goal-oriented personalities and fast-paced lifestyles (stories similar to mine) – who switched career tracks as a result of FM and now are doing much better. Plus they are now much happier.

Of course, one might view the data completely “non-spiritually.” You get ill. You realize your current lifestyle is not conducive to your feeling better. So you make the difficult choice of changing it to something that bodes better with your current state of health. And lo and behold, minus the added stress and pushing past the limits, you start to feel better! This is, of course, the very premise of pacing! And who wouldn’t feel happier if they got off the FM roller-coaster?

While I have nothing against the sort-of spiritual way of thinking about the condition, I cannot but feel like it is a bit too close to the “it’s all in your head” dismissal that so many of us have heard so often. I know, though, that it is not how she meant it. She is well aware of the stigma attached with invisible illnesses. But I still bristle at the thought of how there is so much more open room for interpretation and/or conjecture with conditions like FM, which cannot be tracked to a particular cause (yet), than other illnesses with more definitive causes.

Regardless, I can certainly see the merits of her spiritual way of viewing the world. I imagine it goes a longer way towards promoting acceptance and and sustainable changes in lifestyle than a purely medical train of thought. You may feel less indignant, or like you’ve been dealt an unfair hand, if you think that it is your unconscious mind that is using FM to steer you towards the right path. This way, you might resist less in making the changes necessary for your well-being.

But once one is past that stage, I am afraid that there is a lot this worldview alone cannot fix. It is the same issue that I have with positive thinking. Positive thinking in the form of cognitive behavioral therapy can be beneficial in helping one come to terms with their condition and not make their pain worse due to catastrophizing. But beyond that, no amount of positive thinking can cure FM any more than they can cure a tumor. Likewise, I doubt authentic living could necessarily get rid of my flares due to period or bad weather.

However, none of this is to say that we should not try and make the best of the situation and do some soul-searching. Whether or not it can cure FM, chances are that a balanced, fulfilling life can only really be cultivated if it is in alignment with one’s authentic self.

Is it “authentic art” if it only exists in pixel space? Abstract Tulips in Glass Jar (digital oils)

Now more than ever, as I stand at a transition phase, I keep thinking of what kinds of paths would appeal to my true nature. Despite the subject being a recurring motif with me, I have been giving it a lot more thought after developing FM, since I was forced to turn off the auto-pilot and take the gears of life back into my own hands. I do believe that finding and living in accordance with my true self will bring a measure of happiness and inner peace that I often lack now. And if my fibromyalgia improves with it too – well, I’ll just consider that a bonus!

Gentle hugs,

Fibronacci