Reality Bites

I have done my best to take things easy lately. I used to stress about squeezing in extra work to make up for the time I am missing while at aquatic therapy, but I relaxed on that since I found the therapy itself was eating a lot out of my energy pie, and I was asking for trouble by pushing myself any harder. So I continued to take my weekends off.

In all fairness, this routine has helped me attain a level of normalcy that I am happy with; but it does leave me with very little time to actually do any work! A lot of the experiments I run requires a certain chunk of time devoted to it, and I cannot always abandon them in the middle of it. So really, I only have three 6-8 hour days to do all my work in. As a result, I feel the pressure to make the most of those three days and be as efficient and “perfect” as possible in what I do.

And there’s the problem!

Featured Image: Darkness with a Hint of Light (18X24, oil on canvas) – sort of fits with the theme of the post and my current mood.

Last week, my symptoms flared in two of those three days, right after I had started to work on something. After months of not being able to do much, since teaching during the semester eats out massive chunks of my time and energy, I did not want to slow my already slow ass down any further. So I tried my best to push the pain out of my mind and continue working. This did not work so hot, so I tried to rush my work so I could go home and die lay down.

That was NOT a good idea.

In my rush and inability to think or focus beyond the pain, I had messed up. Granted, it wasn’t a massive mess-up but it made me look stupid, like I didn’t know what I was doing, and my boss made a big (enough) deal about it. Any other day, I would have brushed it off. But that day, I could not. I was both angry and upset, first at others for making it a bigger deal than it needed to have been, and then at myself for not knowing any better. I mean, what was I thinking??? I should have just waited until after the flare, and sucked it up about being slow, but I had to rush! And I had to mess up!

It seems unfair because nobody sees how hard I try – when I swallow my pain to get something done, I do that in private – but when I fall face-down, it’s always in public and everybody sees. It’s not that I want other people to acknowledge my struggles necessarily, I would just like fate to cut me some slack! Especially because I don’t work as much as I used to, I try really hard to do right whatever I do get done. But now I had messed up in really stupid ways and felt like a complete loser. Given how much pain I had withstood only to fail, I considered giving it all up in that instance, doubting the worth of anything at all that I do. I was ready to dig myself a grave (obviously figuratively, since I didn’t have the strength to do it literally), crawl into it and stay there forever. It hurt because I expected the universe to co-operate for once, when I really was trying so hard, but of course that wasn’t to be. And I should have expected that. But I didn’t. And I was mad about that too.

I did learn a few lessons out of this miserable week though: (1) I will never make the mistake that I did which started the downward spiral in my mood. (2) I will make doubly-sure to not rush myself, especially when I cannot focus in the midst of a flare. (3) I realized that I am obviously not at nearly as much peace with my current condition as I thought I was. I don’t seem to have quite accepted it enough, as yet, that I am not the person I used to be and that I will never be able to do what I once used to do.

At least that last point gives me something to actively work on! And there’s a reason to crawl out of my figurative grave I guess. At a time like this, I need to keep reminding myself of all the good things that fibromyalgia has brought to my life. Maybe this will propel into getting off my butt and write it already!!

Love,

Fibronacci

 

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2 thoughts on “Reality Bites

  1. Beautiful painting and a post I can relate to. Cannot say how many times I lost weeks of progress against tiredness and fatigue by being over eager and acting as if I was 25 again. All the best to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! 🙂 I am so glad (and not, in a way) that you could relate to the post. It is frustrating because I have already slowed down so much that I feel I don’t have room to slow down anymore. Yet, I know that kind of attitude is just asking for trouble (as I found out this week!). It’s going to be an uphill battle for me learning when to quit fighting against the pain and fatigue! Peace to you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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