There are some big things that fibromyalgia has caused a kink in – like my future career plans for instance. But there are also those little, day-to-day, things . . . and somehow those little things hurt a lot more. I have been trying to get away from stressing over the big picture of my life and just getting on one day at a time, and there’s where those little things kick in to make me feel like crap.
Warning: This is a brutally honest (aka complainey/whiney) post. I don’t like to do very many of these but every now and then, I feel the need to keep it real out here in my blogosphere. So here goes! And to describe everything that my words could not, is the featured image – my tribute to Edvard Munch – called Silent Scream (8X10, oil on canvas).
Last few days I haven’t been doing so well with the weather changing constantly. My pseudo-neuropathy has been raging in my arms and legs with stinging, shooting pains that leave my limbs numb/”asleep” even after the major wave of pain subsides for a bit. I have been breathing shallow because my chest and back near the lungs have been in pain, and it hurts to breathe. The occasional deep breaths have felt like knife stabs in my back. Shoulders, neck, head – not much was spared the assault of the weather(PMSing teenage-wo)man. (No offense to women, I am one myself, just with a twisted sense of humor). So long story short, I have been a physical wreck, trying to hold my brain as together as possible while functioning on pain killers, which historically have only added to my brain-fog when I have it.
On a day like this a bunch of us decided to do lunch together. Our boss was buying us lunch and driving us there. (I was surprised when I found myself not making an excuse to get out of it. I owe my new-found confidence to my physical therapist. Or maybe I was just too foggy to come up with an excuse!) Anyhow, I went and I ended up being the slowest walker of the lot. Everyone else, except for a friend who hung around with me, got to the car several minutes before I did and had to wait for me. I hated this tremendously because I could just imagine them in there talking about me and how pathetic I was. Although I tried to joke it away, I heard only one awkward laugh. I can’t imagine them being very pleased about having to wait to feed somebody a free lunch. I hated that they had to wait for me because that is something I generally dislike. I am the kind of person that likes to get places early and wait for others, instead of having it the other way around. Besides, I used to be one of the fastest walkers not that long ago! And now I can barely keep pace with a snail. And don’t even talk about stairs!
Have you ever been on a bus that had to kneel and wait extra long at a stop to let on a wheelchair-bound person? And everybody is politely quiet but secretly annoyed at that wheelchair-bound person slowing them down? At first, the wheelchair-bound person looks steadily down and acts occupied by strapping themselves in, as they feel the annoyed-but-too-polite-to-say-anything stares from the other passengers. Then as the bus starts to move, they try to smile at the person next to them and make small talk to show that the stares hadn’t really bothered them. But they secretly know that it did. And I know because I felt like that wheelchair-bound person, even though I wasn’t in a wheelchair.
Anyway, a few good things came out of this, I suppose. (1) Although I am always grateful to my friend that often hangs around (slowly) with me, I was infinitely more grateful for his company that day. (2) My husband reminded me of how I always walked so much faster than him and left him behind – at least I won’t be doing that anymore! That one made me chuckle amidst my tears, because now he is often my walking stick. (3) It taught me a valuable lesson that I should probably avoid large group thingamajigs like that and only go out with a small cluster of friends that I feel more comfortable with. (4) I applied lesson #3 yesterday and avoided a large group of friends to spend time with an old friend and her new husband, and had an amazing time! That was one of those little things that really made my day! So all hope is not lost for my social life after all!!