After a night of poor sleep, and driving around all morning, my brain is about as murky as the water these turtles are swimming in. I start a new aquatic therapy program next week that I was evaluated for today by a physical therapist. As usual, after all the prodding and poking, I am worse now than how I started off (which wasn’t so great today to begin with).
Incidentally, I also felt like a deplorable hypochondriac today looking at an image of the human body trying to click on “pain areas” and trying to describe the type and intensity of my pain. I felt like all the boxes applied to me at some point or another! I was somewhat embarrassed though, so we decided to go with the major/focal areas. It was kind of exciting and depressing at the same time to think that 3/10 is the best pain management score we can aim for even for the most basic tasks like standing to teach (granted, that’s like ~3 hours at a time) or doing stairs or working at a computer or just washing my hair (again, granted, I do have a LOT of hair)!
I hate that I am going to have to miss another day of work but I needed the rest desperately today. What is it about us graduate students feeling so guilty about taking time off for ourselves?? I am sure there are other ways of making our lives productive (even scientifically productive) without always necessarily working on our thesis project all the time. But then the thesis is our baby, and who doesn’t feel guilty about neglecting their baby? (Whether or not it is healthy to make your thesis project your baby is a whole another discussion and I am not even going to go there!)
I need to keep reminding myself that just like a mom who does not hover over their child 24X7 is not a “lazy mom,” I am not a “lazy graduate student” for taking a day off to recover my strength. Yet I know that that is not a popular sentiment in academia. As understanding as my advisor can be regarding my situation, even he gets frustrated with my recent slowness and absence. I cannot blame him for that – sometimes I feel exactly the same way about myself! At least, he has enough faith in my ability to do science to allow me to complete my Ph.D. at my current pace. And for that, I will always be grateful.